book
beat
She’s
Notaro-ious
Humorist Laurie Notaro
offers an exclusive look
at life in Costco’s aisles
By Laurie Notaro
DANA SULLIVAN
his wife (who believes he is looking at seat is eating it, but can’t move on. He’s like a soul
covers), he’ll stake a claim at the sample sta- that won’t travel into the light. As he chews, he
tion of his choice and commit to the long ponders, blocking all of the available samples
haul, even if it’s 20 minutes before his finger- for the hungry, increasingly agitated people
nail-size portion makes an appearance. behind him.
SHELLY SPRAY
In her offbeat writings, including her latest book, We Thought
You Would Be Prettier,
Laurie Notaro offers a
unique view of life’s
ordinary activities. In
this Connection
exclusive, Notaro describes
a familiar figure: the
not-to-be-stopped
Costco food sampler.
First in line, rocking back and forth on If he’s a true Stand ’n’ Eat guy, he’ll stay in
his heels, he’s not going anywhere. No place to the same spot after he’s swallowed and ask
be. He smells cheese enchiladas. He can wait. questions: “How do you make that?” “How
The Camper has had intense training waiting much is it?” “Does it come in a pizza flavor?”
for his wife to try on support bras in the lin- “Do you have anything to drink?” Then he’ll
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT the sample gerie department of every department store ask for a second helping.
ladies that brings out the true colors in people. in town. He knows when to hold ’em, when to The Snatcher. Typically, you’ll never see a
All it takes is the wafting scent of a hot fold ’em. Cheese enchiladas. He ain’t foldin’. face, only a hand, and usually it has dirty fin-
dogcookingina toaster ovento send the sig- The Shark. With her cart shooting off gernails. Most of the time, the Snatcher’s
nal all over the store; no words or announce- sparks, this sampler will circle the sample lady hand is attached to a child’s body or a being
ment are necessary. Within moments, a and her toaster oven over and over—as the small enough to fit snugly under your armpit.
crowd will spring up, clamoring for what- smell of buffalo-wing chum taunts her to You won’t even sense the presence of another
ever bounty the sample ladies have cut up come and get it! The Shark will roll con- while the slinky arm sidles right up next to
into tea-party-size servings that even an ant stantly, nonstop, up one freezer aisle and then yours and snatches the last doll-size serving of
wouldn’t have a problem hauling back to its down the next until she hears that bell ring berry cobbler you had your eye on. You turn
kin. It’s the only time in the history of man and the prey is nice and browned. to say something, but they’re already gone,
when a quarter slice of a summer sausage on Relentless and focused, she won’t even like the gremlins they are.
a toothpick can become a fierce object of cool her wheels to pick up her tiny little pill cup Should you encounter any of these breeds
wanton, fiery desire. of spinach lasagna—she’ll just pluck it of samplers, best just leave them alone. You
Costco is a magical place—it has to be. right up off the tray as she can’t fight over a sample; by the time the inci-
Where else can a cashier inform you that glides on by. There are dent is over, the sample is most likely just a
you’ve just spent $120 on some underwear other sample ladies, you stain on someone’s shirt or stuck in the tread
and a jug of honey and you don’t have a sin- know, and the teriyaki of a shoe, lost to anyone.
gle objection? Sample ladies are a portion of chicken bowl one table Nah. The best thing to do is wait it out
that magic. Perhaps they are simply angels in over is just about to come until you get your square inch of pizza, then
hairnets and latex gloves, because when you out of the microwave. you can happily and contently wait in line
think about it, you’d have to be an angel or a Gotta go, gotta go. and pay for your $120 worth of honey and
hypnotist if you can get people to eat half a The Stand ’n’ Eat. He is underwear. C
lukewarm chicken nugget dripping in a mys- in his own world, and all he
terious and puzzling chunky orange sauce. needs, all he wants, all he
The sample ladies also have fans. There loves is to stand and
are four distinct species of samplers, ranging chew. Right in front of
from the benign to the sneaky. the nugget of the Aussie The Costco Connection
The Camper. Time has no limits for this Pie you are trying to Several books by Laurie Notaro, including her latest, We Thought
sampler. Most likely retired and hiding from reach. Got his sample, You Would Be Prettier, are available at most Costco warehouses.
