from an expert in the field:
P.M. Forni is founder of the Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins (
) and author of
(St. Martin’s griffin, 2009).
RECENT HIGH PROFILE cases of uncivil behavior, including a congressman shouting “You lie” to the president during a bicameral address, have
attracted the nation’s attention to a phenomenon—the coarsening of associated life—that we at the Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins have been
monitoring and studying for the last 10 years. Large percentages of Americans believe that incivility is a national problem and that the problem has gotten worse over the last 20 years.
Rudeness is on permanent display in the traditional media, in the public square, in traffic, in
the schools and in the workplace. One-third of American workers identify other people as the
number-one cause of stress at work. Recent studies show that youngsters care much less about
social approval of their behavior than did their peers of one or two generations ago. That being
online produces a dis-inhibition effect, of course, does not help.
Acts of incivility number in the billions, but the causes of this behavior are not many:
Stress. When we are stressed we are less tolerant and more prone to anger.
Anonymity. In an anonymous environment we have fewer incentives to behave because
the penalties for misbehaving are fewer.
Lack of restraint. As a society we have been very successful in instilling self-esteem in our
children. We have not been as successful when it comes to self-restraint. There is a critical
level of self-restraint below which no society can function effectively.
Lack of time. As we rush toward our goals we do not think we have the luxury to slow
down for the sole purpose of being courteous to others.
A major problem is that each of these factors rarely works by itself. In traffic, for instance, all
four contribute to incidents of road rage. To these causes of incivility I would add an unspoken
and often even subconscious feeling: that of not needing others in our lives because we have the
Internet. Of course, we do seek connection with others on the Net, but we also know that there
are so many other possible interlocutors whom we can summon at the click of a key.
The solution? Help parents rediscover the crucial importance of teaching civility-based relational competence to their children. C
from an expert in the field:
Peter Post is a director of The Emily Post Institute (
) and the author of five etiquette books, including
.
CIVILITY ISN’T DEAD. What’s dying is our ability to focus on the good
around us. It’s too easy in this day and age to decry the lack of manners in
society. The person who doesn’t hold the door. The person who commits
an act of road rage. The person who answers a cell phone while talking to
a friend in a restaurant.
It’s unfortunate that we’ve learned to look for rudeness in our culture. How many times in a
sitcom or movie has a person done something rude (think The Office or Seinfeld) and what happens? The laugh track reinforces the notion that rudeness is funny and entertaining. Programs
that highlight acts of kindness are few and far between (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is one
of the few). Yet, that doesn’t mean there’s only rudeness in the real world. It simply means that
rudeness gets the limelight.
Unfortunately, many people also see rudeness as simply being “outspoken,” a treasured
American custom. Regardless of how the perpetrator couches his or her behavior, when other
people see it as rude, there’s a problem. Personal actions are then easily interpreted by others as
a sense of entitlement or feelings of superiority. The representative who curses on the House
floor, the colleague who speaks over another in a meeting or the hip-hop singer who steals the
microphone—are these acts rude? Without a doubt. But when questioned, individuals clearly
don’t make the connection between their actions and other’s recognition of the actions as rude.
What we ought to remember in the real world are acts of kindness. Every day, for each
instance of incivility, there are numerous acts of kindness. The person who slowed and waved
me into a lane of traffic. The man who indicated to the salesperson that I was next, not he. The
young man I saw offer his seat to an older man on a bus.
In order to change the paradigm of belief that civility is dead we need a view of the world
built on consideration, respect and honesty (the principles of etiquette) as essential to everyday
life. By focusing on these principles, by embracing the good that we see, by emulating the positive behaviors occurring around us and by challenging ourselves to stop highlighting the rudeness, we’ll see the civility all around us. It’s time to open our eyes so the mistaken belief that
civility is dead doesn’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy. C
JANUARY DEBATE RESULTS:
Should tanning salons be
off-limits for teenagers?
Yes
24%
No
76%
Percentage reflects votes
received by January 13, 2010.
DECEMBER DEBATE RESULTS:
Should you stay home
for the holidays?
YES: 73% NO: 27%
Percentage reflects votes
received by December 31, 2009.
Results may re ect Debate
being picked up by blogs.
Opinions expressed are those of the
individuals or organizations represented and
are presented to foster discussion. Costco
and take no position
on any Debate topic.
FEBRUARY 2010 e Costco Connection 17
