The Costco Connection

physically, emotionally, spiritually—so they can be the parent their child needs.”

The surviving parent should make sure that the child feels understood, Schuurman says. For example, when a child under ; says something like “I’m mad. I miss Daddy,” the mom could reply, “Oh, you’re mad. You miss Daddy. I miss Daddy, too. It’s OK to be mad, but it isn’t OK to bite and kick people. What else could we do when we’re mad that won’t hurt anybody? We can throw pillows.”

Model some of the coping

Instead of always putting on a sunny
face, the surviving parent should be open
about sharing their distress to show a child
how to handle it constructively. For exam-
ple, Mom could say that she misses Dad
and cries a little, but she feels better when
she remembers the good times they shared
as a family, or suggest writing a story.
“I do think you need to model some of
the coping by sharing some of your own
reactions,” says Dr. David Schonfeld,
director of the National Center for School
Crisis and Bereavement at the University
of Southern California, and a Costco mem-
ber ( sowkweb.usc.edu; search “crisis”).
Children should be allowed to have a
relationship with the deceased parent
that grows, Schonfeld says. Things such
as leaving the parent’s picture on display
or giving the child an article of the par-
ent’s clothing can forge new bonds.

“There’s a tendency for parents not to want to talk about the individual who has died because they think it will upset the child,” Schonfeld says. “But the child already knows the person is dead and thinks about them continuously. The memories of the person who has died isn’t what upsets them. It’s the loss.”

Finding ways to talk

Children need to have all their feelings about the deceased parent validated, including “the good, the bad and the indifferent,” FitzGerald says. “There need to be opportunities to talk about what they miss and also what they don’t miss,” but it should never be forced. Sometimes a playful activity like watching a movie together can make children feel safe and lead them to open up more easily than a direct approach.

The loss is always there, but need not take over the child’s life. “Identify the child and recognize the challenges. Do not identify the child by their challenges,” Shrock says. “Let’s not spend all our time on where they’re struggling. Let’s build them so they can walk into the struggles.” C

Robert Lerose is an award-winning New York–based writer ( robertlerose.com/writer).

Healing Circle members work together in team charades to express themselves without talking.

C O UR T ES Y O F COM F OR T Z ON E C AMP

Left: A dance contest at Comfort Zone Camp teaches self-expression and con;-dence. Below: Campers learn empathy as they guide their Big Buddies in a trust walk.

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