Costco Connection - August 2009

the dining room and everyone shuts up, but you’ve also had an impact on your children.”

Kalman believes in focusing on the bullied, teaching them to control their anger at the situation and take the pleasure out of bullying for the bully. “I teach kids how not to be victims,” he says. “And if you learn how not to be a victim, nobody can bully you.”

Reform the bully

If children have already reached the bullying stage, they have to be held accountable and made to deal directly with the person they hurt. “It’s a role,” says Coloroso. “We have to rewrite the script.”

Kalman agrees bullies cannot be ignored, but advises care in the way they are addressed. “I hate referring to kids as bullies,” he cautions. “It is not a diagnosis, but an insult. Just as I wouldn’t call a child a wimp, loser or fool, I wouldn’t refer to a child as a bully. Many kids who get labeled bullies feel they are victims. The reason they are aggressive is because they don’t like the way they are being treated, so they respond aggressively.”

Coloroso and Kalman don’t necessarily see eye to eye on all aspects of the issue, but both acknowledge that bullying is cyclical. Abuse can create a bully who then passes it on to someone perceptibly weaker. The bullied can easily become the bully. And Coloroso and Kalman agree the cycle must be broken. C

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• Be nice to kids when they are mean to you, and before long they will stop being mean. This is known as the Golden Rule, and is the solution to bullying.

• Don’t tell on kids who upset you. They will hate you and want to beat you up. Talk to them directly and they will respect you much more. Tell an adult only if there is an emergency situation, or because you want the adult to teach you how to handle the problem.

• Don’t get angry when kids insult you. They love to see you getting angry. Make it clear they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you. After a few days, they will stop.

• If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself. Just ask the kids, “Do you believe it?” If they say they do, answer, “You can believe it if you want.” You come out being the winner, and they will leave you alone. And if they say they don’t believe it, you also win!

• If kids hit you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened. This way you look tough and cool because you don’t get upset over nonsense. If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, “Are you mad at me?” If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you. If they are angry, they’ll tell you why. You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate, and they will also stop hitting you. C Tips for kids who are bullied