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Negotiating life’s turns

Are you ready to be a family caregiver?

By Gail Sheehy

Gail Sheehy is the author of 15 bestselling books, including the revolutionary Passages, which remained on The New york times bestseller list for more than three years and has been reprinted in 28 languages. Her new book, Passages in Caregiving, deals with the challenge that people will most likely encounter later in their lives—taking on the role of caregiver. Here, Sheehy gives Connection readers an exclusive summation of the twists and turns that she has identified from research and her own experience.—Ed.

Let’s say you’re about to hit 50. your
children are out of the nest. your parents are
enjoying their golden years. Free at last! you
have a whole second adulthood ahead of you.
this is the time to find your passion, maybe
go back to school or start your own business.
then you get the call that changes every-
thing. your mom’s had a fall and broken her
femur. or your dad’s driven through a red
light and had an accident, but he doesn’t
remember how it happened—is it his eyes or
his mind? or your husband’s doctor calls you
with shocking news: “It’s cancer.”
that call came to me. I froze.
the shock plunges you into a whirlpool
of fear, denial and feverish action. you search
out doctors. they disagree on the diagnosis.
you scavenge the Internet. the treatment
options and side effects freak you out. you call
your brother or sister, hoping for help. old
rivalries flare up. you haunt the corridors of
the hospital, always on duty to prevent mis-
takes. It begins to dawn on you that your life
is also radically changing.
you have a new role: family caregiver. It’s
a role nobody applies for. you don’t expect it.
you won’t be prepared. you probably won’t
even identify yourself as a caregiver. so many
women tell me, “It’s just what we do.”
But family caregiving has become a pre-
dictable crisis for americans in middle and
later life. the average family caregiver today is
a 48-year-old woman who holds down a pay-
ing job and still has at least one child at home.
Half of family caregivers work full time.

there are nearly 50 million of us taking care of adults who used to be independent. Will you approach this role as an honor or a

Gasper TrinGale

“Family caregiving
has become a
predictable crisis for
Americans in middle
and later life.”

burden? Will you stumble through it in chaos or find a path?

I found and walked this path for 17 years with my husband. and in my role as aarP ambassador for Caregiving, I have interviewed hundreds of caregivers and learned about useful tools and techniques from them.

In my experience, I discovered eight universal turns caregivers go through.

It begins with Shock and Mobilization. once the immediate crisis is resolved, you enter The New Normal and begin to think, “oK, I can handle this.” this reprieve may go on for months or years. eventually there is a third turn—Boomerang, another crisis.

But this time you are a little smarter about how to galvanize. you need to call a family meeting. you cannot do this alone.

If you begin to think you are responsible for keeping your loved one alive and safe, you will eventually find yourself at the next turn: Playing God. this can become an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. eventually you will reach the next and most dangerous turn: I Can’t Do This Anymore! you must take care of yourself.

the sixth turn is Coming Back. you have reached the center of the labyrinth of caregiving. Here, you must appreciate all you have done and begin to acknowledge that your loved one is not going to return to the independent person he or she once was. you are on a different path. you need to replenish your lifelines—friends, music, work, nature— whatever are your transports to joy.

the In-Between Stage is a momentous turning point for those who care for the chronically ill. your loved one cannot be cured in an acute-care hospital, but he or she is not ready to die—and may live on for years. But our healthcare system has little to offer at this stage, except round trips to the emergency room and readmissions to the hospital.

Most slow-aging adults today develop chronic illnesses. they are sent home quicker and sicker to you, the family caregiver, who has no professional training, no financial support and rarely any respite.

I found a solution in palliative care— which is an entirely different strategy.

the final turn is The Long Goodbye. this is a true gift. you now have time for end-of-life conversations and some kind of closure.

the passage to caregiver may well be the most memorable in your life. How you usher your mom or dad or spouse or sibling out of this world has so much impact on how you think about yourself: am I a good person? Did I do everything I could? Did I let my siblings do the heavy lifting? Did I hold on too long? Let go too soon? or did I share precious moments of full presence right up to the end? C